Fieldcraft

Saturday 3 October 2009

Soldiers have a slang term for the little skills, or tricks of the trade, that help you to survive life “out in the field” or in a deployed environment. This art is called “fieldcraft,” and it has existed and been passed down to young warriors as a sacred religion since the first soldier walked out of his garrison. The lessons may be as profound as how to best avoid an IED or as mundane as the adage to change your socks regularly. I have decided to pass on some of this ancient wisdom to which I have become privy over the past few months. I will start with the first, and most important, tenet of fieldcraft:

LESSON #1- How to choose a toilet.

You approach a line of port-a-potties, field toilets, toilet trailors, whatever. It doesn’t matter. The lesson will still apply. You are suffused with a mixture of trepidation, hostile intent, and silent relief. The DFAC food hasn’t exactly been racing through your digestive tract, so you have some time to pick your target- probably about 10-15 seconds before the guy behind you starts to get jumpy. He may have been a “healthy eater” who stuck to the frozen vegetables. Anyway, you have a decision to make. Before you decide to engage your other senses in order to identify your victim, use your eyes. Look at the magazines on the ground in and around the port-a-potty or toilet. You will inevitably see a Maxim outside at least one of them. These should be avoided at all costs. The generation of over-caffeinated, Rip-it infused Maxim readers is not known for their fastidiousness in toilet etiquette and cleanliness. This one(s) will also have been the most used, by far. While you may be sorely tempted to peruse the article on calf-muscle exercises, step quickly away. Look, instead, for the toilet with a Car and Driver or Popular Mechanics on the ground. The gear-head, engineer types are much more considerate with their toilet-care, and they are far fewer in number.

I hope this provides some insight into the thought processes of the reflective soldier. More to follow. Cheers.